Many couples want to have a child - and it just doesn't work out. Remaining involuntarily childless is usually an exhausting ordeal for those affected - both physically and mentally. Many feel alone. Yet the group of couples waiting for a child is large. In Germany, 5 to 15 per cent of heterosexual couples are unintentionally childless. Depending on the estimate, this affects at least 800,000 couples.
But what does "involuntarily childless" actually mean? The World Health Organisation (WHO) defines it as follows: Anyone who regularly has no children over a period of one year. unprotected If you have sexual intercourse without becoming pregnant, you are involuntarily childless. Many doctors also speak of a period of up to two years in this context.
However, this time span does not mean that after one to two years, treatment is or should be started in every case. Within three years, half of all affected couples can still expect to conceive a child without medical help. But for many, the waiting period is an emotional challenge between hope and fear. After four years of trying to conceive, the number of couples who become pregnant without treatment drops to just 5 per cent.
The unfulfilled desire to have a child is a test of endurance for the couple the longer it lasts. And yet many couples harbour this desire for many years. A recent study by the Federal Ministry of Health (BMFSFJ) shows that around half of unintentionally childless women (42 %) and men (58 %) have been trying to have a child for more than five years. Just under a quarter of women (24 %) and over a third of men (38 %) have wanted to have children for at least 10 years.
If "it" doesn't work, the first step for most of those affected is to seek medical advice and an examination. This is because the nagging question of what the unwanted childlessness is due to becomes more and more prominent. This can also increasingly jeopardise personal life planning. Pregnancy can be specifically prevented - but not specifically induced. And it's not just about getting pregnant for the first time, because the unfulfilled desire for a second or third child can also overshadow family life.
When it comes to the question of "why", the Causes In around 30 per cent of cases, the cause of infertility is found in the woman, in another 30 per cent in the man and in a further 30 per cent in both. In around 10 per cent of cases, even medical examinations are unable to uncover any specific causes for the lack of pregnancy. On the one hand, those affected are relieved ("Luckily nothing was found!") - but at the same time they are still unsure ("But why doesn't it work for us?!").
In such cases, an affected couple is usually faced with the decision of whether to proceed with a Fertility treatment would like to start. In this context, we regularly consider what life without a biological child would be like and what it would mean: Can we both imagine adoption or fostering? Can we also lead a fulfilling life without children?
Stress for the psyche
Regardless of whether a couple decides in favour of or against fertility treatment, the long period of involuntary childlessness usually leaves its mark on the soul. On the one hand, there is the personal situation, the many doubts and thoughts, the constant hope and disappointment, the frustration, sadness or anger. On the other hand, the social reaction often intensifies the psychological stress and negative feelings.
Women and men with an unfulfilled desire to have children can experience contradictory reactions from their social environment: There is the supposedly harmless question "Do you actually want children?", which can be a sting in the tail. Even in the 21st century, women in particular are still confronted with the social expectation of becoming or wanting to become a mother. Not to mention the expectation of being a "good mother" - whatever that means. Our society has still very much internalised the historically grown attribution that being a mother is part of the role of the adult "reproductive" woman, despite all the aspirations for equality.
On the other hand, affected couples can also be met with a lack of understanding in their social environment for their strong desire to have children. For example, they may be told that life without children makes many things easier: you don't have to restrict yourself, it's easier to travel and it's easier to rent a flat. The BMFSFJ study also shows that around half of those surveyed with an unfulfilled desire to have children observe a social stigmatisation of unintentionally childless women and men - while at the same time this topic is taboo.
Affected couples often find themselves on a rollercoaster of emotions. This can even lead to depressive phases or psychological crises. At the very least, self-confidence usually suffers severe losses. Men and women often deal with these stresses differently, which in turn can lead to additional tensions in the partnership. Practical experience shows that the level of suffering is particularly high among women. They question their bodies and see themselves as having a "flaw". But men are also often ashamed of not being a "real man" and feel (gratuitously) guilty.
In addition, a love life full of spontaneity and closeness very often mutates into a compulsory date in the (ovulation) calendar marked in red. This development is also not very good for the soul and the relationship. You can read more about how to escape this trap here (link to the text "Influence your own desire to have children") in the blog.
If, in this maelstrom of emotional rollercoaster and the stresses and strains of a possible fertility treatment in the social environment of the couple concerned, another woman becomes pregnant seemingly "without problems" or even unplanned, most of those hoping in vain see this as an additional slap in the face.
Against this backdrop, it is all too understandable that many a relationship of couples with an unfulfilled desire to have a child can also enter a tangible crisis. On the other hand, experience also shows that, on the contrary, many partnerships emerge stronger from these difficult times that they have endured together. It is true that some relationships break down as a result of the situation - but fortunately these are few and far between.
And yet it is important for all couples that they do not remain alone with this problem. It is important that they stay in dialogue together, but also communicate openly with others. When couples who want to have children talk openly about it, they also help to get the topic of involuntary childlessness out of the taboo corner.
Counselling services help with the desire to have children
Experts estimate that only two to five per cent of affected women seek psychosocial counselling as part of fertility treatment. And men are unfortunately even more reluctant. However, I would like to expressly encourage you: don't be afraid to make use of the appropriate counselling services if you have an unfulfilled desire to have children!
The couples who ultimately opted for counselling often report how good these discussions and support have done them. They found it easier to discuss their situation with neutral, professionally trained outsiders rather than with family or friends. Experience has also shown that it is often helpful to be able to talk to people who are already involved in the fertility process. early to seek counselling. In this way, for example, it is also possible to work out what may be behind a very pronounced desire to have children. Psychological counselling also helps to reduce the pressure to succeed. This is important because pressure reduces the chance of pregnancy. Stress is understandable and normal. But stress is also a trap. This makes it all the more important that couples seek help to learn how to deal with this stress.
The experts at the counselling centres are at your side at every stage of the process. This begins with your decision as to whether you need an appropriate Medical treatment It will continue while you wait for the treatment results, and even after any unsuccessful treatments you will be supported if the topic of Saying goodbye to the desire to have children is in the room.
Here you can find contacts for psychosocial counselling: for example at pregnancy counselling centres, fertility centres or denominational organisations. Counselling is offered in the form of individual sessions, couples or group counselling. You should clarify in advance whether and, if so, what costs will be incurred.
- The Kinderwunsch Deutschland (BKiD) counselling network also offers support on the subject of the desire to have children and referrals to independent counselling centres: www.bkid.de
- The Internet portal of the Federal Ministry of Health offers a search function by postcode for appropriate advice centres: www.informationsportal-kinderwunsch.de
- However, self-help groups are also a valuable way of exchanging ideas with other sufferers and obtaining further information. The Wunschkind e. V. association, for example, can help you find the right contacts: www.wunschkind.de
2 responses
Unfortunately, the stork has also been a long time coming for us. We would now like to seek advice from a gynaecologist about our unfulfilled desire to have children. We really hope that it will still work out.
I think it's great that you can do so much these days to fulfil your desire to have children.