It is always difficult to say goodbye. This is also the case for women and men who, despite all their efforts, continue to hope in vain for a baby. At some point, the time comes when they (have to) say goodbye to their desire to have children.
For some, the time is ripe earlier, for others later. Some say goodbye to the desire to have children without having undergone fertility treatment, others do so after several unsuccessful medical treatments. Some make the decision consciously, for others it is an inevitable step. In this case, some do not have the money for a further treatment cycle, others can no longer cope with the psychological stress associated with the treatment.
The statistics tell us that even after four treatment cycles with a In vitro fertilisation (IVF) or one Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI) half of couples are still childless.
And now?! How can we go on? How should we cope with our grief? What do we tell our friends? What do we do with our lives? Consciously coming to terms with your feelings and changing your life plan is certainly not an easy task. But it helps to heal the emotional wounds and creates space for new perspectives. After all, even a life without own Children can be quite fulfilling, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. I don't want to come up with judgements about whether childless couples or parents are happier/more stressed/healthier or whatever. Ultimately, each individual and each couple must find and follow their own path. However, I would like to mention that anyone who wants to leave something of themselves behind in this world can do so without biological children. And if you want to look after children and be involved with them, you can do this even without having had a baby yourself.
Allow grief After saying goodbye to the desire to have children
In addition to feelings such as emptiness, shame or failure, which can now come to light, there is also grief. The couples affected have to say goodbye to a child that they have never met and will never hold in their arms. Nevertheless, this unborn child has played a significant role in their lives for years. This process of saying goodbye can be compared to the loss of a loved one who passes away.
It is important to allow yourself to grieve and give it time and space. Even if it is very painful to face this process of saying goodbye, many couples look back and see this phase of grief as a valuable and important part of their lives.
A successful farewell helps to reconcile with the pain of the past and to come to terms with the desire to have children. This process clears your mind and soul so that you can look to the future again. However, it does not mean simply putting the chapter of unfulfilled desire to have children to one side. Rather, it means accepting what has happened and what you have experienced and integrating it into the rest of your life. There will certainly be times in the future when melancholy flares up. This may be on certain occasions, such as a christening to which you have been invited, when you hear the news that your best friend is pregnant - or simply at the sight of children playing happily. But such a reaction is completely appropriate, okay and part of your personal history.
How childless women and men go about saying goodbye can be very different. Here, too, it depends on what is good for them. Rituals or small self-designed ceremonies have proven to be helpful. For example, some write a letter to their unborn child, release balloons into the sky or place flowers on a stream.
I would like to take this opportunity to encourage you once again: Talk to friends, relatives and trusted people about your grief. You will experience how much help and encouragement you will receive. You don't have to deal with this situation alone. Don't be afraid to seek psychosocial counselling. This will help you to better deal with your own feelings and categorise them. For example, denominational organisations, independent organisations or private coaches offer counselling. Depending on who you go to for counselling, the services can also be free of charge. You can find out more about the options and how to find the right one in my blog here read.
Contact with other couples in the same situation also guarantees exchange and understanding. This source of strength is often more helpful for many affected women and men than talking to relatives or friends who have never been in such a situation. Self-help groups offer excellent opportunities to socialise with others. For example, you can join the Verein Wunschkind e.V. In addition to valuable information, you can also use a search function to find a self-help group in your neighbourhood.
Utilising new perspectives
Those who manage to let go of this lifelong dream of having children have their hands free for something new. For example, you can reflect on wishes, dreams, plans or expectations that you once had. Be it as a single person or together as a couple. Old goals could then become new goals, perhaps in a different form, perhaps with different signs - but still as a new perspective. Some couples now dare to take steps or embark on projects that were perhaps already on the table before the "project to have children", but were then forgotten. This can also be the fulfilment of a long-cherished dream of travelling. For example, I know a couple who bought a motorhome and spent months travelling around Europe.
Of course, you can also set off for new shores, detached from the past, if you are ready for professional or private changes.
If you don't avoid all these questions, it will also become easier over time to deal with curiosity from your social environment: "Do you have children?" or "Do you want children?" It is important for me to emphasise this: Nobody has to justify why they don't have children. This applies both to couples who have made a conscious decision not to have children and to couples who do not want to have children.
You will gradually get a feel for the situations and people in which a short, concise answer is the right one for you. If necessary, you are of course "allowed" to reject tactless questions with sentences such as "I don't want to go into that any further" or "I don't want to talk about that here." And there will also be other moments when the conversation can go deeper, when you want to reveal more about yourself - and you will find this beneficial.
Many women and men who now look back on their decision not to have children realise that they have actually grown as a result of their life crisis - both as individuals and as a couple. For them, the long, arduous path to the unfulfilled desire to have children has created an even deeper bond that has intensified and strengthened their relationship.
The desire for other children
For unintentionally childless couples, the question of adoption or fostering often arises before they finally say goodbye to their lifelong dream of a family with a child. Depending on their decision (and whether this is even possible), some couples then also open this new chapter.
Others may want to break away from the "family with child" model altogether, but still want to have contact with children on a daily basis. This is also possible - you can also find fulfilment in getting involved with or supporting other children. Why not become a reading mother at the neighbouring primary school or a coach for young footballers at the nearby sports club? Why not volunteer at a play centre, help run a toddler group or become a family mentor? There are so many ways to establish contact with children in your everyday life! Even if it is simply to have a good relationship with your nieces/nephews or godchildren. If that's what you want.
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