What will it be?
I am pregnant. Number 2 is on the way to us and we couldn't be happier.
The gynaecologist asks me if I want to know the gender. What she actually wants to say is: do you want to know whether you will be painting the nursery blue, whether you will be given bodysuits with footballs or unicorns, whether Grandpa will be happier or Grandma - do you want an answer to the omnipresent question: what will it be?
A few months later, I'm standing in the playground. The big one is romping around, Mini is sleeping. Hardly anyone walks past the pram without looking inside. Always with the question: boy or girl? But I can't imagine that they are interested in how my child wees - currently the only gender-distinguishing feature. No, they want to know whether my baby is still allowed to cry as an adult, whether it thinks glitter is great and will jump rope at break time, whether the teachers will award it competences in physics or German.
The big problem here is that these expectations linked to gender accompany our children into adulthood. And we're not talking about comparatively harmless preferences for footballs or skipping ropes. No, we are talking about much more existential effects on the future of our children.
What happens to our girls?
From the outset, girls are considered by their parents to be less intelligent than boys.[1] At school age, girls rate themselves well in language subjects, but consistently underestimate their abilities in science and maths performance tests.[2] This lack of self-esteem in relation to labour market performance continues to affect women in adulthood: in one study, women performed worse at solving mathematical and geometric tasks if they had to state their gender beforehand.[3] In another study, they consistently rated their performance in a simulated application process worse than they had actually performed, while men in the same study were able to realistically assess their abilities.[4]
It is easy to make the connection here to the continuing underpayment of women compared to men in the same positions, the low number of women in management positions and also the fact that far more women still give up their career for their family or their husband's career. And even if they don't, they still feel responsible for the household. Even in families where only the woman is employed, she is still responsible for the majority of household chores.[5]
Is that really what we want for our girls?
And our boys?
Boys are taught from an early age that certain emotions are simply not masculine. A crying girl is categorised by adults as anxious, a crying boy as angry.[6] Before they quickly learn that crying is not manly enough. Emotions such as fear or sadness are thus denied them. This type of socialisation leads to men playing down the symptoms of their illness, being prepared to endure more pain and having greater problems with excessive drug use. They show deficits in self-assessment and risk avoidance.[7] This leads to higher male accident figures, but also to a significantly higher suicide rate for men (76% of suicide victims in 2019 were male[8]). The result is a lower life expectancy of around 5 years for our young, for which there is no other biological explanation.[9]
Is that really what we want for our young people?
So we have to ask ourselves: is this focus on gender worthwhile? Are we doing our children any good? I don't think so.
I want my children to be allowed to play football in a glittery skirt when they are hurt, to be able to cry and be comforted, perhaps be super good at maths and read Connie books in the evening. Quite simply: their preferences should not be reduced to their genitals, but they should be accepted with their very own character and every emotion. That should be our goal as parents, as people, as a society!
So I ask you: let's stop attaching so much importance to the gender of our unborn children. Let's see our children for what they are: complex, wonderful mini-humans with strong characters who we can support as best we can on their journey through the world.
[1] Furnham, A., & Gasson, L. (1998). Sex differences in parental estimates of their children "s intelligence. Sex Roles, 38 (1/2), 151-162.
[2] Schilling, S., Sparfeldt, J., Rost, D. (2006). Facets of school self-concept: What difference does gender make? Journal of Educational Psychology 2006(20), 9-18
[3] Hausmann, M.(2009). Interactive effects of sex hormones and gender stereotypes on cognitive sex differences - A psychobiosocial approach. Psychoneuroendocrinology 34(3), 389-401
Good, C., Aaronson, J., Harder, J. A. (2008), Problems in the pipeline. Women's achievement in high-level maths courses. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology Vol. 29, pp.17-28
[4] Sieverding, B. (2003). Women underestimate themselves: Self-evaluation biases in a simulated job application situation. Journal of Social Psychology 34(3) 147-160
[5] Belkin, L. (2008), When mum and dad share it all. New York Times Magazine, 44 (https://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html)
[6] Condry, J., Condry, S. (1976). Sex Differences. A study of the Eye of the beholder. Child Devlopment 47(3) 812-819
[7] Men's Health Foundation (2013), Men's Health Report 2013 (https://www.stiftung-maennergesundheit.de/projekte/gesundheitsberichte/maennergesundheitsbericht-2013.html)
Rohrmann, T. (2003), Harte Jungs- zarte Mädchen?. UGB Forum 2(2003), pp.62-65 (https://www.ugb.de/kinder-gesund-ernaehren/pubertaet-unterschied-jungen-maedchen/druckansicht.pdf)
[8] Federal Statistical Office (2021), Causes of death: suicides. (https://www.destatis.de/DE/Themen/Gesellschaft-Umwelt/Gesundheit/Todesursachen/Tabellen/suizide.html)
[9] Statista (2021), Development of life expectancy at birth in Germany by gender in the years from 1950 to 2060 (https://de.statista.com/statistik/daten/studie/273406/umfrage/entwicklung-der-lebenserwartung-bei-geburt–in-deutschland-nach-geschlecht/)
German-Austrian monastery study https://www.cloisterstudy.eu/COMMS/
