It is quite normal for (expectant) parents to feel not only joy but also various anxieties. After all, they bear their share of responsibility for ensuring that the unborn or already born child can develop optimally. And babies really are the most sensitive of human beings. For some mums and dads, however, fear for their child takes over. This is neither good for the parents nor for the baby.
A certain amount of concern for the child's well-being is natural and a good sign, because it shows that parents take their job seriously. And who else, if not them, is supposed to protect the little one? This protective instinct is naturally all the more pronounced in both mothers and fathers the younger and more helpless the offspring is. This type of behaviour has been "innate" in parents since time immemorial and serves the survival of the child and thus previously the clan.
However, if anxiety gets out of hand, burdens the parents and/or hinders the child's healthy development, this is referred to as overanxiety. The transition between normal worry and exaggerated anxiety is often fluid and therefore not always easy to distinguish.
How do parents recognise their overanxiety?
In most cases, affected mothers and fathers hardly or not at all recognise that they are prone to overanxiety. Their feelings and behaviour towards their child seem completely normal to them. It is usually the partner, grandparents and friends or even a daycare professional or midwife who become aware of a parent's excessive anxiety.
In Jasmin's case, it was the childminder. And it happened like this:
Mila was only a few weeks old when "it" happened: one afternoon, the baby was slumbering peacefully in her cot at the foot of her parents' bed, while mum Jasmin was also resting there. When Mila called out, Jasmin got up, went to her child, picked her up and wanted to lay her on the bed next to her. During these few steps, however, Jasmin's wide trouser legs made of thin, flimsy fabric got tangled up, causing the young mother to stumble and finally fall unhappily on the edge of the bed. The baby fell out of her arms and hit its head on the laminate floor.
Jasmin was paralysed for seconds while Mila screamed terribly. Then the mother picked up her child so carefully that her head did not move, laid Mila on the bed and immediately called an ambulance. So the little girl ended up in the paediatric clinic at the tender age of four weeks, where she was immediately examined carefully from head to toe. But luck was on her side - apart from a terrible fright, nothing had happened to the baby. No broken bones, especially no injury to the skull, not even a bruise.
Of course, Jasmin's heart sank at this news. But her relief didn't last long. The unsettled mum could no longer get what had happened out of her head. In the weeks and months that followed, she was literally scared to death that Mila would still suffer the late effects of the fall. Despite the reassuring test results, even today, a good year later, tears still well up in Jasmin's eyes when she talks about it. "I just can't forgive myself for what happened to me," she says, "and the fear for Mila still torments me, even at night in my dreams. Then I wake up in a cold sweat."
For Jasmin, this moment at the beginning of Mila's life was so traumatic that it left its mark on her. Since then, she has had little confidence in herself or the child. She guards her little one's every move with excessive anxiety and removes anything that could be dangerous. Jasmin has padded the corners and edges of all the cupboards and tables in the flat and sealed all the drawers. And when someone else tries to pick Mila up, her mum's expression is immediately one of fear. Mila's childminder soon noticed this.
Such symptoms are quite typical of overanxious parental behaviour. It can manifest itself in the following ways
- by the urge to always want to keep everything under control,
- by the impulse to intervene immediately at any perceived danger to the child,
- by feeling very unwell when others are looking after the child,
- through recurring thoughts that circle and circle incessantly,
- due to disturbed parental sleep and bad dreams,
- and also through physical symptoms such as a queasy feeling in the stomach, trembling hands, tense and hunched shoulders, back pain, dry mouth, etc.
Possible causes of overanxiety in parents
As with Jasmin, a traumatic experience with your own child is not always the cause of such pronounced anxiety. For some parents, it can also be traced back to experiences in their own childhood, in which they may have lived through a tricky situation themselves and never forgotten it. This is the case with Christofer, who fell off a wall while holding his mother's hand when he was just two years old and suffered a severe laceration to his forehead, which had to be stitched up in hospital. Christofer doesn't remember it himself, but his mother has told him about the situation many times and in the most drastic terms. As a result, Christofer won't let his own son balance anywhere higher than a few hand-widths.
Some parents with a high level of anxiety were also brought up to be overcautious in their younger years and may have heard constant admonitions from a parent not to do something because it could be "far too dangerous". As preventative protection, so to speak. However, young children who are not allowed to try out much and are severely restricted and curtailed in their areas of experience in this way are often unable to develop confidence in themselves, their abilities and the world: They often become overanxious adults who perceive their surroundings as chronically threatening, especially for their child. They have therefore adopted their parents' pattern of anxiety and run the risk of passing it on to their own children without questioning it.
It should not go unmentioned that overanxiety sometimes also stems from an increased demand for perfection. Mothers and fathers alike can also be afflicted by this phenomenon. As a result, they want happy and successful children, through whom they can then experience themselves as competent, as the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul once described it.
For example, Aaron has been thinking about how he can offer his family a good life and his child as much as possible since his first pregnancy. Of course, money became a little tighter with the birth of his now three-year-old son, although Aaron really doesn't earn too badly as a skilled worker. And now the second child is on the horizon. In connection with his family, Aaron has spent sleepless nights tossing and turning in bed, worried that he won't be able to manage everything perfectly. Can and should I perhaps take on a second job? Don't we need a bigger flat now? But of course that would be more expensive, which would make things even more difficult. He goes back and forth in his head, because Aaron wants to be a perfect father in every way. However, he always keeps his thoughts to himself and doesn't share them with anyone. However, this only increases the pressure and his fear of failing as a father and main breadwinner.
Another example is Diana. She had wanted a child for years until Timo was finally born. The boy is everything to her - and she wants to be the best mum in the world to him. However, this started a vicious circle: the greater Diana's demands on herself to nurture the child perfectly and give him the very best at all times, the more her fear of failure grew. And the more this fear built up inside her, the more often Diana was let down by her powers of self-regulation. As a result, she snapped more and more often, started frequent arguments with her partner and others in front of the child, appeared to be "in a tunnel" and "on autopilot" to those around her, quickly became unfair to others and increasingly possessive of the child.
The effects of overanxious parents
Parents' greatest fear is that something could happen to their child or that they might even lose their child. This is why some mums and dads over-activate the protective instinct that stems from these fears. I understand this and I also know that such pressurised feelings can hardly be regulated at the touch of a button. That's why it's a particularly big challenge for the parents concerned to let go of their children a little more and more as they develop. And also to endure the fact that they can never have all dangers absolutely and always under control.
If they don't succeed in doing this, they become increasingly stressed due to overwhelming anxiety - and that's not good for them or the child.
For parents, major stress triggered by anxiety carries an increased risk of inappropriate behaviour. This would then also have an impact on the child. Let's take just two examples that are often mentioned in public debate today: the so-called "helicopter parents" and the "lawnmower parents".
Helicopter parents are constantly circling over their children like a helicopter, so to speak. They do not leave their side, monitoring or controlling every movement and later every (crawling) step of the little ones and intervening immediately at the slightest problem. Parents are driven by their fear into overprotection.
If the child is still an infant, this parental behaviour will not be noticed at all. After all, it is normal and even desirable to protect such a small, helpless being in every way possible. The only thing that might raise suspicion is if a parent with a tendency to "helicopter" has obvious problems with letting the baby onto any other arm than their own.
Soon afterwards, however, the little one will be able to sit, crawl and walk, make sounds and speak their first words. Then it will probably meet other children of the same age in the baby group, at the childminder's or in the sandpit on the playground. If the parents' caring attitude knows no bounds and the child is given little or no opportunity to have its own experiences with others and its environment, then protective parental care can become a stumbling block for the child's development.
Experts have observed in children affected by this that they later
- develop fewer social skills because less independent contact with peers is permitted.
- are less able to express their needs to others because they are already being met by their parents before the child even realises that they have a need.
- are less likely to show initiative because they have learnt that their parents take action on their behalf.
- are not always able to fully develop their existing abilities.
"Lawnmower parents" don't behave much differently to 'helicopter parents' - with similar effects on the child - but in some ways they are even more so. This is because "lawnmower parents" don't even wait to see whether a situation might arise to intervene, but intervene in their children's lives prophylactically, so to speak. And they do this for the smallest of things. Oh, the ball has rolled into the corner at the back of the living room? I'll get it for you quickly so you don't have to crawl between the legs of the chair. What do you mean you want to play with Fini's bucket? Wait, I'll ask her straight away and you'll definitely get it.
These parents simply organise everything for their child. They act according to the motto: If I prevent situations and mow down every challenge right from the start, then I can best protect my offspring from any setbacks, failures, obstacles and arguments. However, they don't realise that they are violating the child's right to independent experiences, depriving them of valuable opportunities and thus stunting their development.
How can parents overcome exaggerated fear?
All parents who are plagued by overanxiety are faced with the task of enduring their fears and worries and perhaps even minimising them to an appropriate level. But as I said, of course I know that there's no easy button to press - and then the anxiety is gone.
It would also not be desirable for parents to act completely free of fear and not worry about their child at all. Because only those who realistic If you can imagine danger and have respect for it, you can protect your child from harm.
Kristin (33), for example, has been accused by another mum from the toddler group of being overprotective and restricting the children's experiences. Why? Because Kristin intervened when the other mum's one-year-old daughter grabbed a pair of scissors and waddled unsteadily towards Kristin's son. She kindly but firmly took the scissors out of the little girl's hand. I don't call that overprotective, but appropriate and responsible. If the scissors had been a small ball, a shovel or a toy car, Kristin, like the other mums, would have watched calmly to see what the two children would do with it or negotiate with each other.
More serenity is indeed the desirable goal for over-anxious parents. But where to get it from - and how to create it? It is not about not being anxious, but about preserving the "protective" fears and overcoming the "harmful, restrictive fears". This is a daily challenge for all parents, which cannot and does not always succeed in every situation.
There are no perfect recipes for dealing with overanxiety. But there are experiences of parents who have fallen into the anxiety trap and ploughed their way out of it.
These can help you to overcome your overanxiety:
- According to affected parents, one of the most important steps is to realise that you are a parent in the first place. to admitthat you are moved by strong fears. Recognising and accepting this for yourself is described as the beginning of the further process.
But how can anxiety be exposed? It can help, for example, to pay more attention to your body reactions: Do my shoulders hunch up? Does my back tense up? Do I get a sinking feeling in my stomach? Does my mouth form a thin line? Do my thoughts keep revolving around a particular question or worry? Am I still sleeping well? These and other things can be indications of excessive anxiety.
- The second step could then take a closer look: In which Situations does this happen to me again and again? Clues could also come from your personal environment. This is an opportunity to investigate the matter.
- From the perspective of affected parents, it would also be important to Cause to find out why your fear is so pronounced. Does it stem from your childhood, when you may have experienced something frightening yourself? Or perhaps you were brought up by overanxious parents yourself? And what about your demands for perfection in connection with a possibly overprotective behaviour towards the child? As a mother or father, do you perhaps consciously or unconsciously place your own wishes and ideas above those of your child and often overestimate your own abilities, while frequently underestimating your child's independence?
- Once you have got to the bottom of your anxiety, you can then proactively address possible Solution approaches turn to. Because ways out of fear always minimise it.
This includes the following suggestions from affected parents:
Exchange with others: You can confide in your partner about your fears. Then you will also find out whether you share them or whether your partner has other worries. Together you can then think about how you can support each other so that your fears don't have so much power over you.
You can also ask other parents what fears they are plagued by and how they deal with them. It is often worth talking to other parents about your own fears and finding out what solutions they have come up with.
You can revisit old stories from your own childhood with your parents or older siblings: Was it really as bad as you remember? Or how your mum/dad always told you? Looking back, which messages from your parents (e.g. "Don't do that, it's too dangerous!" or "You can't do that yet!" etc.) do you see as hindering your development? If these questions become clearer, you can at least assess which old family patterns you may have automatically adopted, which ones you want to get rid of and what you want to do differently with your own child compared to your parents and in what form.
Knowledge makes you calmer: Many affected parents report that their own knowledge helps them to realistically assess dangers. It is therefore helpful to know the developmental stages of the children. If you know roughly what is currently "on", you can adapt better and deal with it more appropriately.
As children will get sick and have the odd minor accident, it also helps parents if they are familiar with caring for a sick child and know how to give good first aid in the event of illness and accidents.
This provides peace of mind and security, also with regard to the assessment of potential dangers. A good First aid course for babies and children therefore also explains how to distinguish a sick child from a healthy child.
At the same time, however, the message to all parents is important: "Every single parent and every single child is unique. That's why you shouldn't compare yourself as parents with each other or your child with other children, but only with yourself."
Movement and meditation: Quite a few affected parents find it helpful to exercise and do sport to relieve stress and reduce anxiety. Conscious breathing also has positive effects. A relaxing breathing technique directs the airflow deep into the abdomen and extends the exhalation phase so that all the air can really flow out of the body again. Meditation, mindfulness exercises, yoga, tai chi or chi gong also help to relieve stress and reduce excessive anxiety. Anything that leads to more relaxation and serenity helps.
Professional support: It is an important support for parents to make use of it when their fears keep getting the better of them. To find psychological help, you can contact your midwife, your GP or gynaecological practice or a counselling centre. This would be particularly important if you have already developed depressive symptoms.
To summarise, I would like to emphasise once again: Caring for your child, protecting them from real dangers and dealing with them in an appropriate and developmentally appropriate way is good and correct parental behaviour!
However, excessive parental anxiety can lead to care no longer being provided. appropriate fails. In this case, it is important to face up to the problem, work on it and find good solutions - even with professional help. I would like to expressly encourage parents affected by this development process. It's worth it for you and your child!
